Recipe for love – ingredients (potatoes, water, milk, flour, fat and frypan and, you)
1. You need a kilo (that is 2lbs folks) of potatoes, peeled and then boiled.
2. Drain them, set them aside to cool.
3. Then, mash with a tiny bit of milk, and then add flour, and seasoning.
4. Then, turn them out on a breadboard, and cut them into rounds using a glass or a knife or one of your friend’s children’s funny shape cutters.
5. Then get the pan with some fat on it….and turn it up to three quarters or so. And then you pan fry them, and you make a whole lot of them and then,
6. You eat them….and once you ate that, well you can eat anything now.
Recipe for Saturday – Ingredients (bed, radio, coffee, birdsong, and, well, you)
1. You awake, and you languidly lie in your bed.
2. Masturbate just a little but do it languidly and certainly do not please, do not orgasm.
3. Go now out and put the coffee on.
4. Lie back, and you listen a little to some music or the radio, seasoned to taste.
5. Then get the coffee, and you lie back, toying yourself a little more. Don’t forget the anal area, which you should always keep clean. Cleanliness is nice. You know that.
6. And then you sip a little more of your coffee. Fiddle idly with yourself a little more. There is no need to orgasm. Keep it for another time.
7. Allow yourself to be distracted. Listen to the birds. Or the radio if the song is that good.
8. Then it is time for a shower. And orange juice….nah no one has orange juice. That is for movies. You have another coffee. Then you have some of whatever crap cereal it is you eat…or muesli maybe. Or toast. Whatever. For now you are ready for your Saturday. You can put up with anything now.
Recipe for worship – ingredients (sunny day, morning time, and, yes, you)
1. Go outside. Yes that is you, do it.
2. Sit down. Get down low. Listen and watch. Look at all those little lives. Ants all that.
3. Ok that is enough ants. Now look up at the sky. What kind of blue is it? Squint and look towards the sun.
4. Now look at those little plants all around, even the ones, especially the ones that are struggling through cracks in the concrete or whatever that hard stuff is. And say, “Well, lookee at you little friend!”
5. And then say, “Praise the day that I can go inside when it rains, and when it is too hot, and that I am not stuck in between two hard bits of stuff that makes life difficult for me!” As for the previous recipe, you can put up with anything now.
Recipe for Zen – ingredients (annoying human with motorised device, eg. leaf blower or motor mower or motor bike)
1. Wait for arrival of annoying human
2. Observe discreetly, eg from cafe, or through curtains or blind slats
3. Focus intently on that sound….rrrr rrrr rrrr wwwhhhrrrr
4. Hum that sound…tune into the universe…..rrrr rrrr rrrr wwwhhhrrrr
5. Do this for a very, almost unbearably long time
6. Suddenly, when it stops, take a breath.
7. Prepare yourself…another breath.
8. It starts again. rrrr rrrr rrrr wwwhhhrrrr
9. Repeat step 4.
10. Repeat step 5.
11. Repeat step 6.
12. Repeat step 7.
13. Repeat steps 9-12.
14. Repeat step 13.
Three recipes. That is enough philosophy for one day, darling.